Dying for Control
by paintedwithcourage
Summary: Brenna is overwhelmed with all of the stress around her. She feels like she is at fault for April getting cancer, and Greer getting in trouble. Brenna thinks she is a burden and a disappointment to her family, especially her Mother. To deal with these hard emotions, Brenna turns to self destructive acts. Can she overcome her demons with the help of her family and friends?
1. Chapter 1

**Hi everyone**

**This is my first ever Chasing Life Fanfiction! I really hope you all enjoy it! Please leave me comments, constructive criticism, and feedback! :)**

**This story is about Brenna struggling with all of the stress in her life. It might also feature heartfelt moments with April, Sara, and Greer. This story contains self harm, so please read it with caution.**

**Thank you so much for reading! I hope you have a great day! 3**

**As fanfiction rules state, I must declare that I do not own Chasing Life or anything associated with it. I am simply a fan who loves the characters and likes to write about them.**

I awake with a jolt. My eyes fly open as I gasp for air. My heart is pounding, I can't breathe, and I'm shaking. I look at the alarm clock next to my bed. It's 1:30 in the morning_. _I stumbled to the bathroom attached to my room and splash cold water onto my face with trembling hands. _Calm down, Brenna. Breathe._

My face is flushed pink, and I can see sweat dripping down my cheeks and hairline. I put my hand on my chest and close my eyes. Taking slow, steady breathes; I give myself an internal pep talk. _It was just a dream, it isn't real. April isn't dead. She's in the hospital. She's safe. The doctors are looking after her. It isn't your fault._

Calming down a little, I lean against the bathroom wall and slide to the floor. I feel the tight sensation in my throat that accompanies tears. As a sob chokes its way through my chest, I bury my face in my knees. Snot runs along my pajama bottoms and puddles on the floor in a slimy mess. Saliva trickles from my mouth and stains the old sweatshirt of April's I'm wearing. I clench the fabric in my hands and hold it to my face. I know that it's silly, but I do it anyways. I breathe in deeply, trying to catch her scent. I need her comfort right now. But I don't smell anything aside from my perfume masking the fact that I haven't taken the sweatshirt off in weeks.

I stand up and look at my puffy face in the mirror. My cheeks are tearstained and my eyes are swollen and red.

"I hate myself." I say to no one in particular. I wipe my eyes and think about how awful of a person I truly am. I know that I didn't cause it, but I feel like I'm responsible for April getting cancer. I wanted something bad to happen to her so I wouldn't be the "horrible daughter" anymore. I wanted to see her mess up so she wouldn't be so perfect. I hated hearing about her job, her boyfriends, having to watch her and Mom laugh together, and being told how I should "try to be more like her". I just wanted to not be such a disappointment in our family for once.

I've also messed up Greer's life. Greer was one of the first people I felt comfortable and safe around in a long time. I knew that I could be myself around her and speak my mind and she'd still accept me. I took advantage of her kindness and support. I was selfish for dragging her to meet Natalie. I should have never gone. I messed everything up with my old friends, and now I eat lunch alone. I've become such a monster, and I'll never forgive myself.

I clench my stomach as it becomes nauseated from all the tears. Every time my phone rings I'm scared that it's going to be bad news about April. Though I know it's not in my control, I can't stop beating myself up over not being a bone marrow match for April. What if we can't find a match? _If she dies it's going to be my entire fault!_ I think as tears continue to slide down my face and my heart continues to beat faster. My head then starts to spin, and I clench the sink and squeeze it till my knuckles turn white. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I know what I need to do in order to calm myself down.

I spin around and bang my fist against the bathroom wall. With a crash, the framed picture of an ocean my Mother had hung up after we took a family vacation to the beech a few years ago falls to the floor and shatters. Pieces of glass crunch beneath my slippers and I kick them out of the way and sit on the toilet. The crash doesn't wake my Mom up. Though I didn't mean for the picture to fall, I was hoping my Mother would hear the noise and come to check on me, but she didn't. She's never come to check on me when I wake up screaming and crying at night. I can hear her snoring through the walls in the room next to mine.

_No wonder she's never come. I'm a horrible daughter. She doesn't care about anyone except April._ I reach into the cabinet next to the shower, and dig through a pile of hair ties and bobby pins till I find what I'm looking for, a shiny silver razor. I cradle the piece of metal in my palm while I try to decide if I'm really going to do this. Is it really worth it?

_You mess everything up. It's your fault that April is dying. You're a horrible person. You're selfish and you can't do anything right._ Rolling up my left sleeve, I slide the blade across my forearm. Each slice relaxes me as blood trickles out of my arm and onto the tiled floor.

The four parallel lines I made burn as I place the blade back into the cabinet. I take a deep breath and watch the blood stain my skin. After the sudden feeling of calm wears off, an ashamed, panicked feeling takes over. I clean the wounds and wrap a fresh bandage around them.

I crawl back into bed and bury my face in my pillow. For some reason, cutting has helped me deal with all of what's going on. The pain calms me down, and it's something that I can control, unlike April's cancer. I know that I shouldn't hurt myself, but now that Greer is gone, I don't know how else to cope with everything going on. She was the only person that I could talk to about everything, and now I have no one.

Lying in bed, I roll down my sleeve and the study the cuts I've made. _No one can know about this. It's too embarrassing, it's just going to be my secret way of dealing with all of this anxiety until everything goes back to normal again, if it ever does. _I then fall into a restless, dreamless sleep until my alarm interrupts and pushes me back into reality.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you so much to the person who reviewed my first chapter! I'm glad you liked it! Thank you for your kind words. :) **

**Thank you to everyone who has read or viewed my story. It makes me really happy to know that people are looking at my work!**

**Feel free to leave any suggestions, plot ideas, or constructive feedback in the comments. I promise I won't bite! I love to get feedback on my writing! **

**As usual, I do not own Chasing Life, or anything associated with it, I am simply a fan who loves to write about the characters. **

**I hope you enjoy this chapter, and that you have a wonderful day! Xoxo**

**PS I didn't know the name of Brenna's school, so I made up the name "Huntington Academy". If anyone knows the name of her school, please let me know! Thank you! **

I got up after hitting the snooze button several times. Tiptoeing my way over the glass in the bathroom, I plunged myself into the shower. The hot water burns my skin, and it feels good after such a rough night. I closed my eyes and submerged myself within the steam. Washing the fresh wound on my arm, I think about skipping school today and lying in bed. _Sleeping would help me escape everything I'm feeling _I think as my fingers massage lemon-scented shampoo into my scalp. The idea of "borrowing" my Mother's sleeping pills and falling into a deep, dreamless slumber for the day was appealing. I used to sneak into her bathroom and steal a couple of her blue candies from the prescription bottle by her bed so I wouldn't have any nightmares. But my Mom started to notice that her pills were disappearing faster than usual. When I was confronted about it, I made up a lie about accidentally knocking the bottle over while it was sitting on her sink, and being unable to catch the pills as they fell down the drain. I don't think she would have brought the lie if her mind hadn't been so occupied with April.

Everything is about April right now. Though I care for my sister, and want her to get better, I wish my Mom would pay more attention to me. I used to get annoyed when my Mother constantly bugged me about joining extracurricular activities, and being a better person and stuff. Even though it drove me over the edge, I knew deep down that she only did it because she cared about me. After Dad died, April was always mad at me for partying.

"Can't you see you're ruining yourself and our family?" April had shouted at me one night when the police had escorted me home. "You're running everything!"

I knew that April was only angry because I had been causing everyone more stress when we already had so much to deal with. I know that she didn't mean what she had said, but it still felt like I had been shot in the heart when she ran upstairs and slammed her door. April couldn't understand why drinking helped me so much, but Mom could. Being a shrink, she knew that people tried to find alternate ways of dealing with their feelings when they were going through emotionally rough times. Drugs, cigarettes, shopping, alcohol, she had worked with many people who had suffered with different types of addictions, and she had sympathy for them. Though I didn't want her to treat me like a patient, it felt good to have someone who understood what I was going through, even though my drinking made her furious

Mom was the first was to notice that I was struggling after Dad had died. Even though I didn't want her help, she still stuck by me and helped me piece myself back together. She held my hair back when I puked from taking too many shots, and paid for me to go to an expensive private school after I screwed everything up in public school.

"It'll be a new start." My Mother had said as she handed me the brochure to Huntington Academy. At first I was mad that Mom was taking me out of school and enrolling me into some preppy rich kid academy. But I came to be thankful for her decision. I was able to pull my grades (somewhat) up, and I was able to find the perfect girlfriend in Greer.

Greer, oh no. I'm going to have to see her today. Today marks the one-week anniversary since we were called to the principle's office and given our death sentences. Greer hasn't been at school since it happened, but I imagine that she will be back today because her parents hardly ever let her miss school. My heart began to pound in my chest, and I couldn't breathe. I leaned against the wall in the shower, and stuck my face in the water. Unfortunately, the water was now cold. I quickly turned the water off and proceeded to dig through the cabinet again, until I found my silver friend. I wrapped a towel around myself, and watched as blood pooled out of three jagged incisions I made on my thigh. The pain relaxed and soothed me until my heart rate began to slow down. I was getting ready to make another when I heard a pounding on the bathroom door.

"Brenna!" My Mother's voice was angry as she jiggled the doorknob. I'm so glad I remembered to lock the door. If she saw me cutting, she would drive me straight to a loony bin. The pounding and the sound of her voice shocked me, and I dropped the razor on the floor.

"Yeah… Yeah?" I asked as I quickly tried to seep up the blood with toilet paper on my leg. One of the cuts is particularly deep, and I'm having a hard time controlling the bleeding. A flash of panic begins to spread through my chest. I bite my lip to keep myself form hyperventilating.

"I slept past my alarm clock, next time that happens, wake me up when you get up, just like we talked about last week, _remember?_" My Mother had been sleeping through her alarm clock a lot recently, I think it's because she's so stressed out and tired from everything that's going on with April. I know my Mother is only being sharp with me because she's worried about being late for work, but I can still feel her anger penetrating my chest.

"Also, stop using up all the hot water! I'm sick of having to take cold showers in the morning. I'm also sick of having this discussion _every day_. Do you understand?"

"Whatever." I muttered in response as I bandaged the cuts on my thigh. Thankfully, the deep cut had finally stopped bleeding.

"What was that?"

"I said okay."

"Alright. Don't be late for school again today." With that, my Mother walked back to her room and continued to get ready.

I breathed a sigh of relief. I don't know what I would have said if my Mother had walked in on me cutting. I finish bandaging my arms and legs, and made sure I wore long sleeves, and tights to cover up the mess on my legs.

After I finished getting dressed, I look in the mirror and study the dark circles under my eyes. The rims of my eyelids are still tinged with pink from crying so much. I'm running late, so I decide to skip doing my makeup, and let my hair dry naturally_. It's not like anyone pays attention to me anyways, _I think as I pull my dark hair into a messy ponytail.

Just when I am about to walk downstairs, I remember the razor and run back to the bathroom. Carefully picking it up off the floor, I conceal it in the pile of bobby pins and hair ties. _I can't take any chances._

Though I'm scared of my family finding out about my self-harm, I'm more scared of not being able to cut. How would I cope with all that's going on without my razor?

I turn off the lights in my bedroom, grab my book bag, and close the door. I realized that I forgot to clean up the picture from last night. _Oh well, I'll take care of it when I get home,_ I decide as I race down the stairs.

"Bye, Mom. Bye, Grandma." I yell as I sprint to the bus in front of our apartment. The bus driver impatiently honks his horn and glares at me as I climb onto the bus.

"If you would have been ten seconds later, I would have left you. Please try to be at the bus stop on time, okay?" Mr. James, the bus driver, who is an old man with a long gray beard, glares at me. "Now hurry up and take a seat, Carver." Mr. James's husky voice spits as he lurches the bus to the next stop.

I take a seat in the front by the window, and lay my head on the glass. Nobody sits next to me, as usual, and I am grateful. I take a deep breath and remind myself not to cry. _Just try to get through the day, okay?_ I say to myself as I begin to drift into sleep. But my peaceful slumber is interrupted by the sound of a horn, signaling the arrival at my worst nightmare, school.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi everyone! Thank you so much for all of your amazing reviews and comments! I'm really happy you guys are enjoying the story!**

**Sorry it's been a while since I've updated, I've been really sick and haven't been able to be on my computer. I'm going to the doctor's office tomorrow. Hopefully I will feel better soon!**

**I hope you all had a good New Years! I didn't do anything exciting on New Years because I was so sick, but I hope you all had fun!**

**As usual, please feel free to leave me reviews and constructive criticism. I promise I don't bite! I also do not own Chasing Life or anything associated with it!**

**I spent a lot of time writing this chapter, so I hope you guys enjoy it!**

**I love you guys all so much! Thank you for sticking with this story and our angsty little heroine, Brenna. I hope your start to 2015 has been fantastic! **

**Have a great day, loves! Xoxo 3**

**PS: In this chapter, I made up Greer's last name because I didn't know what it was. If anyone knows what her last name is, feel free to let me know :)**

When the bus drops me off at home after school, I see my Mother's car parked outside of our apartment. _That's odd, she's usually never home this early._ I think to myself as I swing open the front door. The squeaky hinges signal my arrival as I step into the apartment. The apartment smells lemony, which means my Mom has been cleaning. Upon hearing the noise of the front door, my Mother climbs down the stairs and waves at me. Her face looked concerned, which causes my mind to immediately jump to the worst. _Oh no, something's happened with April. _My heart begins to race in my chest.

"M-Mom! You're home early! Is everything all right? April's okay, isn't she?" I stammered through shaky breathes. I notice my Mother holding a broom and a dustpan. "April's fine, sweetie. Don't worry. That's not why I'm home early. She called ten minutes ago, you barely missed her." My Mother says as she empties the dustpan into the kitchen garbage. My heart rate begins to slow down. _She's safe,_ I think to myself, grateful for the good news.

"A few of my patients have the nasty cold that's been going around, and they cancelled their appointments. " My Mother explains as she digs through the cabinets, looking for something.

"Okay, that makes sense. I'm going to go upstairs and do my homework." I say as I try to make a quick getaway.

"Hold on a sec, Brenna." My Mom calls from the kitchen while I'm halfway up the stairs. I pause, turn around, and walk down the stairs to face her.

"What happened to the ocean picture? I went into your bathroom to get some soap, and I saw the glass shattered everywhere. I just cleaned it up for you."

"It, uh fell last night. I didn't have time to clean it up this morning, so I was going to clean it up this afternoon."

"How did it fall?"

"I-I don't know, I think I might have ran into it by mistake when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to break it." I resisted the urge to bite my lip and fiddle with my hair like I usually do when I'm lying. I didn't want to tell my Mother that I had gotten angry and punched the wall.

"Oh that's okay, sweetie. It was an accident. Are you hurt?" My Mother takes my wrists in her hands and looks at my body, checking for wounds. I quickly jerk my arms away and fold them across my chest. My Mother gives me a puzzled look.

"No! I'm perfectly fine. I got out of the way just in time. I have a ton of homework, so I'm going to go get started. I don't want my grade to fall any lower in algebra." My Mother smiles as I start for the stairs.

"Okay, Brenna. I'm so proud of you for caring more about your grades this year. Your hard work is really paying off."

"Thanks, Mom. I'm glad too.

I grab my backpack and run up the stairs to my room and close the door. My heart is racing.

_Imagine if she would have rolled up my sleeve and seen my cuts… What would I say? _ I think as I slide to the floor of my bedroom and lean against the door. I brush my hair out of my face with my fingers, and lay my forehead on my knees.

School was brutal today. Greer was back, and she wouldn't even look at me. Everyone found out about our breakup, and it felt like the whole school was watching us as we walked past each other in the hallways. Greer looked at the ground most of the time, and her pack of preppy giggly friends glared at me whenever we passed in the halls. I couldn't defend myself. Everyone thought that I had dragged Greer out of the hotel and gotten her drunk. The Environmental club kids thought that I just went on the trip so I could party and get drunk without my parents around. Nobody outside of our family knew about Natalie Oritz except for Greer and Beth.

Turning my head, I look at textbooks and papers next to me. Unlike I had told my Mother, I don't really care about my Algebra grade falling anymore. Algebra doesn't matter, nothing matter anymore. I just feel… Empty. I walk over to my bed get down on my hands and knees. Reaching under my bed, I feel around with my fingers until I find what I'm looking for: A smooth, glass bottle of liquor. I stole it from a convenience store last week. Lying in my bed, I swallow large gulps of the liquor until I begin to feel lightheaded and numb. I don't want to be too drunk, because my Mom will notice. But I don't want to remain sober after today, I want to be numb and feel nothing.

When I was done drinking, I close the bottle and slide it far under my bed where it cannot be found. I lie down again in bed and close my eyes. The liquor has worked its magic, and the only thing I can feel is the cuts on my arms and thighs burning, which reminds me that I need to change my bandages.

I roll up my sleeve and my skirt. The cuts all seem to be healing well, except for the deep gash on my leg. It's looking better than it was this morning, but I know that it will still take a lot of time to heal. I squirt some antibiotic ointment on it and cringe as it burns the wound.

_What if this isn't just a simple cut? What if it needs medical attention?_ Part of my mind wonders as I wrap a bandage around the gash. My heart starts to race, I would have to ask my Mom to take me to the doctor, and she would want to know why I wanted to go, and I cannot tell her about this.

_The cut doesn't look that bad, I'm sure it will heal just fine. I just need to give it some more time. It hasn't even been a day since I made it. I need to relax._ I try to convince myself as I finish up the bandaging. I roll my sleeve and skirt down, and snuggle under the covers and take a nap.

Later that night, after my nap, my Mom ran out to do some errands. Since I don't feel like doing homework, I'm watching an Orange is the New Black marathon on my computer. I pause the episode when I see a notification flash across my screen.

It's from facebook. A photo of Greer and girl with strawberry colored hair stares back at me from the screen. Their arms are wrapped around each other, and they have huge smiles plastered on their faces. I've never seen this girl before; I don't think she goes to our school. The girl is gorgeous. She has a tall frame, thin frame. Freckles line her nose and her blue eyes sparkles like they are made of pixie dust..

Scrolling through my newsfeed, I can see that Greer and this girl have posted a lot of photo together today. The two of them making fish faces, wearing sunglasses, doing model poses, buying candy at the store, all of the things Greer and I used to do together.

_Who is this girl?_ I wonder to myself. I scroll farther down the page, and I immediately regret it. I can feel my heart sink into the pit of my stomach:

_Greer Mckinley is in a Relationship with Madison Belleview_

It feels like someone punched me really hard in the chest. I stumble away from my laptop and run across the room. I can feel tears streaming down my face. I've been through some bad breakups before, but nothing like this. Greer was everything to me. She changed my life. She helped me discover who I was. She believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. She made me feel like I wasn't as bad as a person as I thought I was. She made me feel alive. When I was with her, I felt whole, if that makes sense. I know it sounds silly, but I could actually see us being together forever. I've never felt that way about anyone ever before.

I could feel my heart breaking into a million different pieces, and shattering onto the ground. I sink into the carpet on the floor, and cry. Once I've composed myself a little, I crawl under the bed and dig the liquor bottle out. I tip my head back and chug until I can't see anymore. I throw the bottle back under my bed, and fall into a pile on the ground.

_Stupid. I'm so stupid for thinking we would be together forever. I was never good enough for her. Greer is rich, pretty, popular and perfect. I'm the complete opposite. I'm a waste of space. I was the one who got her in trouble and ruined our relationship. I don't deserve her. I'm a terrible person._

I am suddenly overcome by nausea. I run to the bathroom, and vomit the contents of my stomach into the toilet. How much did I drink? I literally cannot stop heaving. Stupid, I'm so stupid.

Once I'm done heaving the contents of my stomach into the toilet bowl, I lean back against the bathroom wall and close my eyes. I want to rip my skin open, and I want to bleed. I need to punish myself for being so selfish. But the alcohol has made me dizzy, and I can't move.

I fall into a deep sleep on the bathroom floor. I don't hear my Mother's scream, or the sound of the ambulance carrying me away.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys, sorry it's been so long since I've updated! A friend of mine died in January, so I needed some time to grieve and process my feelings. Then school got really crazy, and I didn't have much time to write. But now since school is out, I plan to spend a lot of time writing and updating this story! **

**Thank you all so much for your kind feedback, it really means a lot to me! :) **

**Also, due to the content of this story, I want you all to know that you are loved and cared for. If you are struggling, please reach out. You are beautiful, perfect, and you deserve to be healthy. On my next chapter I will post some hotlines and other resources if any of you are struggling with self harm or any other mental health issue. Please reach out to a parent, friend's parent, teacher, counselor, church person, or any other trusted adult if you need help. I love you all, and I'm always here to talk if you need it.**

**Without further delay, here is the next chapter! I hope you guys like it. Please leave constructive criticism, suggestions, or other comments! As usual, I don't own Chasing Life, all rights belong to their respective owners. I am simply a fan who likes to write about the characters. **

**PS: I'm really behind on Chasing Life episodes, so please bare with me if I accidentally mess something up!**

I remember the moment I was told that my Dad was dying in the hospital. I was scared, sad, and angry. I wanted to kill Uncle George for what he had done. I was ravenous with rage. But after I was told that my Dad was dead, numbness spread over me, and I didn't feel anything. I don't know why it happened. It was like my body had shut down. I guess I had reached my emotional capacity. For weeks I could not feel anything. It was like protection, and nothing felt like it was real. I couldn't experience any form of emotion, and it was both a blessing and curse. The first time I felt this sad numbness, I was scared. But now I find the sensation peaceful.

When I cut my skin and drink, I am trying to recreate that empty feeling. Sometimes, I just want to be devoid of any feeling because emotions cause pain. Numbness protects me from the pain and guilt that is always gnawing at me.

_Is it better to feel everything, or nothing at all?_ Is the first thought in my mind when I start to wake up. I have no idea where I am, the ceiling above me is covered in white tiles, and I am wearing a blue, flowered smock. It's almost peaceful, until I notice the IVs dripping medication in my bruised veins. I look at the bandages covering my arms, and then it all comes back to me. My heart almost stops when I see my Mother's tear stained face cupped in her hands.

I open my mouth to say something, but only a groan comes out. My head is pounding, I reach up to touch the bandage on my forehead, but my Mom pulls my arm away.

"Don't touch it. You hit your head on the side of the bathroom counter when you fainted. You had to get some stitches in your scalp, but it was a very minor wound, it'll be healed in no time." She says as she lowers my arm onto the side of the bed. She stares at the scars and bandages on my skin. Leaning back in her chair, I see her biting her lip in an attempt to hold back tears. Neither of us knows what to say.

"Brenna, why would you do this to yourself..." My Mom says quietly as a few tears roll down her cheeks.

I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything. Eventually I am able to mutter "I don't know."

My Mother stares at me hard in the face. "You could seriously hurt yourself. What if you would have cut in the wrong place, or hit a major vein and died?" _Would that really be so bad?_ I think to myself as my Mother wipes the tears from her eyes. I open my mouth, but I close it. I feel embarrassed, and like I'm being interrogated. My Mom blows her nose, and asks me, "Why did you decide to this?"

I don't know what to say again, so I stare at the patchwork covering my body. The deep gash I made on my thigh has stitches in it. I run my fingers over it's bandage, and I can feel the pain radiating through my body. My Mother starts to cry again, and I can't watch. I didn't want to make her cry.

_This is your entire fault. If you wouldn't have drunken so much alcohol, then Mom would never have found out about the cuts, and she wouldn't be so upset. Now she has more medical bills to pay, and she's going to be so mad at you. As if she didn't have enough reason to hate you. She should give up on you. You are horrible, and you ruin everything. _ I stare down at my hospital gown and bite my lip. The doctor comes in.

"Hello, Brenna. I see you are awake… " He is staring at the bandaged wounds up and down my body. I can from his expression that he thinks I am crazy.

"What's the verdict? Is she going to be… admitted?" My Mom gulps as she asks the doctor. I don't see why I would need to be admitted to the hospital. All of my wounds are bandaged; I just need to rest a little at home.

"We're going to talk to Brenna for a few minutes alone, Ms. Carver. Would you mind stepping into the hall?" My Mom takes a long look at me, and then heads to the hallway sniffling. Another man in a suit walks into the room and sits beside my bed. He looks to be in his late thirties. He has stocky brown hair and glasses, and the chain to a pocket watch hanging out of his pocket. I can tell he is trying to smile at me, but I don't want to look at him. The doctor leaves me alone in the room with the man.

"Hi Brenna, my name is Dr. Gerald. I'm a psychologist here at the hospital. I'm going to ask you a few questions, okay?" I nod my head without looking at him.

"Those cuts on your legs and arms, did you make them?" He asks me.

"…Yes." I reply slowly.

"Why did you decide to hurt yourself?"

I stammer. I don't want to answer, but something makes me feel like I should. "I… I just… I feel so horrible… I don't want to feel anything." I say, and I slowly turn to look at him. I expect him to look at me like I am crazy, but he doesn't. He just nods, and gives me a sympathetic look.

"I'm so sorry you feel that way. Is there a reason you feel so horrible?"

"I'm a terrible person. Everything is going wrong; I just want to stop feeling. Sometimes I feel like I need to punish myself for everything I've done wrong recently…" I don't know why I am telling this complete stranger this. I've barely know him and here I am telling him some of my most complicated emotions.

"I see. Why do you feel the need to punish yourself? Surely you're not that bad."

"Yes I am." I say instinctively. "I ruin everything." A tear slides down my cheek. Dr. Gerald hands me a tissue.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Brenna." He says sincerely as I blow my nose. Once I'm done, he asks another question. "Brenna, do you still feel like you want to hurt yourself?"

"N…. No. Not right now."

"Are you looking to do anything more permanent, like suicide?"

"No, I'm not."

"Your Mom gave us some information about what you are going through right now, I'm really sorry about your sister. It must be really hard. Do you ever feel like what happened to her is your fault?"

Yes, I do, all the time. "Yeah, sometimes."

"Your Mom and I were concerned you might. You do know that it's not your fault though, right? You didn't make April get cancer."

"I-I know but… I wanted something bad to happen to her… I… I was selfish."

"If I had a sister as successful as April, I think I'd feel the same way. But I bet you're pretty successful too."

"I'm not as successful as her, but thanks."

"You're talented in your own way, Brenna, and you're not selfish at all, just human. " Dr. Gerald smiles back to me. "So you feel like you are in a safe place and you aren't going to hurt yourself again tonight?" He asks me as he stands up.

"Yes." I say as I feel the wounds burn beneath the bandages.

"Good. It was nice meeting you, Brenna. I'll see you again soon." Dr. Gerald leaves the room, and I listen to him talk to my Mom and the doctors outside.

"I think she seems safe. I don't think she is going to hurt herself again any time soon, so I don't think she needs to be admitted to the adolescent psychiatric ward. But keep a good eye on her, and don't let her be alone. Encourage her to talk about her feelings with you." I hear Dr. Gerald shift through his coat. "I think Brenna would benefit from weekly therapy sessions with me. Here's my card." I tune out the adults and lean back in my bed. _Psychiatric ward!? They wanted to put me in the Looney bin?_ There's a mirror on the wall across from the bed. I catch sight of myself, and stare at myself hard in the eyes. _Am I crazy?_

My Mom and the doctors return to the room. "Brenna, we are going to discharge you form the emergency room. But try to find alternates to hurting yourself. You had very severe, deep wounds from cutting. And you developed alcohol poisoning after drinking so much liquor. We had to pump your stomach. This situation could have been much worse." My Mom walks over and stands next to the bed, I can still hear her sniffling. "You will have weekly therapy sessions with Dr. Gerald so you can talk out your feelings and anxieties, and he can teach you healthier coping mechanisms for dealing with your emotions." I nod, and look at my Mom, whose eyes are red and puffy.

"Thank you, doctor." My Mom says. The doctor nods and leaves the room. Once he returns with the discharge paperwork, my Mom helps me into the car and we drive home. We drive in silence It is tense, and neither of us know what to say. I glance at the digital clock in the car, and it is close to midnight. Right now, I am feeling so many things; Hurt, anger, and sorrow. The painkillers the doctors gave me make me drowsy. I fall asleep in the car, watching the wind pick up leaves and carry them. That is how I feel right now, like a small leaf lost in a tornado.


End file.
